Playing For Keeps

Dear Aunt Scarycookies,

Why doesn’t my husband love me anymore?

Sincerely,

Sad Somewhere

Dear Sad,

Oh honey. Auntie is so sorry for you. I really am. But there is so much involved here, starting with your feeling of being unloved (which is tragic enough no matter how often people feel that way) and ending with the fact that you went to a total stranger on the Internet for help.

Thank you for your implied faith in me, but this is a real-life problem, and it requires a real-life solution.

Talk to him. If that doesn’t do any good, find a qualified professional who can sit down with you and help. If you don’t want a counselor, then find a reputable lawyer.

Good luck!

Either, Or What?

Dear Auntie Scary,

What’s worse - to get offended, humiliated, fired and re-hired in less than 48 hours by a crazy boss (common definition by all of his employees) or to get robbed - your cell, day-to-day documents, bank cards and keys?
If you had a choice which one would you have preferred.

p.s. when I wrote robbed, no guns were involved, just a smart quick-handed thief.
Dear Victim,
I have to go with robbed. I should apologize for that, because it sounds like you were the one who was fired and your friend got robbed and I’m settling a bet between the two of you.
Then again, if that’s true, your friend needs to win more than you do so never mind.

Seriously, dude?

I sold my company after building a net worth of about $10 million but compared to my friends who have more money and power than I do, I feel like a loser. I am miserable. I can’t even have fun with my kids. What should I do?

Dear Millionaire Times Ten,

Honey, if I could, Auntie would slap you upside the head and tell you to wake up.

There will always be people with more money, power and just plain stuff than you have. They might also be better looking, smarter and more talented than you are at what you do best. So what? That’s true for all of us.

What do I, a random stranger on the Internet, think you should do? I think you should get a complete medical exam to make sure that there isn’t something physically wrong that can be repaired. Once that’s settled, I think you should step back and find some perspective. 

You already have more than what it would take for most of us to be happy. You don’t want those kids of yours to be grown and gone before you realize that.

Party Pooper

Dear Aunty,

So I told my friend I’d go to her birthday party but now I have a better offer for that same night. I can’t say I’m sick because she’d know it was a lie. What can I say to make her not mad that I’m not going to go?

Sincerely,

Miss Popularity

Dear Not-Miss-Congeniality,

You could say, “There’s something I’d rather do than keep my promise to a friend” and let her react accordingly.

I’m sure you won’t have this problem again, at least not with her.

Phish Fry

hello
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Thank you

Dear Click,

Thanks for writing to AuntScarycookies@aol.com !

Second, since you’re obviously a spambot, you won’t have noticed that the Ask Auntie feature has been moved here from scarycookies.blogspot.com.

Third, I haven’t made any comments on blogspot, nor do I click on links even if they’re not dubious. Ask my real-life friends who send me links all the time. Auntie just isn’t a clicker. 

Nice try, hope the phish are biting somewhere else.

(Un)happy Anniversary?

Dear Aunt Scary,

How do I write a Happy Anniversary card to a couple when one of them has a terminal illness? What do I say? Should I even try?

Signed,

Sad Friend

Dear Sad,

Absolutely you should try! It sounds like both of your friends need all the caring and good will they can get right now.

How about something like this:

"Thinking of you on your anniversary. I wish you both the best possible day"

Just don’t put it on a pigs-wearing-tutus card, ok? Unless you happen to know that both of them like livestock in costume, in which case it’s fine.

Ships In The Night

Dear Aunt S,

How much hurt do we – should we – have to put up with from friends who date a lot?

My weekend just got fucked over by a good friend who found a temporary significant other — AGAIN! It’s not always the same friend, but it’s always the same thing. 

I guess this is rhetorical, but thanks for letting me vent. 

Not Even The 3rd Wheel

Dear Wheel, 

Auntie is here for you. Auntie is ALWAYS here for you, unless @RealBobWilson wants to go somewhere. Sorry, I know that wasn’t funny. Well, maybe a little bit. 

It won’t comfort you to know it was ever thus. Og and Nk used to go to the mammoth races, leaving poor Erff to sit by the cave waiting for Netflix to be invented. 

If your committed-to plans are cancelled at the last minute because of a hook-up (doesn’t matter whether it’s actual or only potential) then yes, you’ve been de-prioritized and that sucks.

If the same person does this to you more than twice, then shame on you. 

Since choosing asexual or hopelessly un-charming friends isn’t always an option, Auntie suggests that you plan more group activities. That way if one or two people go A.W.O.L., the festivities can still go on. 

But you should know that those one or two people value their sexual gratification more than they do your friendship, and work around them for companionship.  Because — and Auntie is really sorry to say this— that ship has sailed.